Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.

girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

*watches the world burn*

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.