Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

First I was a pebble..

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman