@TheHyyyype

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

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@GrantTanaka

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

@UnFitz

I’ve been towing this guy around by a rope for years. When is he going to learn to do this by himself?

– dogs, maybe

@sarahkendzior

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

@thejessbess

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

@QuinOShea

When my wife said let’s do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I’m a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.

@wolfpupy

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha