washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
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manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry