Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
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Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life