Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
You Might Also Like
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?