Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
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A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”My 7yo: What’s this song called?
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?