Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.