Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

Jus’ sayin. 😐

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]