Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate