washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
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Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Only Americans understand
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”