*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
You Might Also Like
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Everyone’s family
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Honey I made you some hotdog water
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts