Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

#MeanwhileInCanada

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*