washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:![]()
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
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imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
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interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.