washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
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My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*