washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
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“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I’m Sold!
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Don’t touch that.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”