[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who鈥檚 my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can鈥檛 even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Why aren鈥檛 you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn鈥檛 have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it鈥檚 $19.99
My life coach traded me.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn鈥檛 meat.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 馃ぃ
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I鈥檓 not pregnant.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.