[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
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Breakfast for Stoners:
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Breaking news:
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
That’s not how days work.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.