Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
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My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee