Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
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I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.