wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
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You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science