wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
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of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.