Wasn’t this a cartoon.
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Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.