Wasn’t this a cartoon.
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“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
#dnd #ttrpg
At least he brought enough for everyone
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.