Wasn’t this a cartoon.
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i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.