Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
You Might Also Like
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
There’s always that one guy
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.