Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap