Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
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Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better