@musicntats

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

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@TylerLinkin

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

@BillMc7

Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it’s very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.

@LuvPug

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

@JimmyTheThing

Gay or straight, No state should legally recognize a marriage if they don’t serve alcohol at the wedding.

@ellewasamistake

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

@LindaInDisguise

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

@just1fool

If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.

@orny_xo

Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!

@GaryJanetti

“I’m a model.” I see. And does anybody else know that?