Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
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I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.