Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

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Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.


Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it’s very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.


Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please


Gay or straight, No state should legally recognize a marriage if they don’t serve alcohol at the wedding.


announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?


Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus


Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.


If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.


Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!


“I’m a model.” I see. And does anybody else know that?