Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

Does your wife know you’re single?

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

Pandas 🐼🖤

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?