@Dana_Bruno

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

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@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

@AimeeHelene1

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

@illiter8too

ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn’t tethered; that pug’s not leashed.

HOST: Ma’am, that’s a toddler.

@MaverickGames

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

@Jacob_Swift16

Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I’m googling how to get paid without leaving my house

@tarashoe

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

@outsmartedmommy

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

@DamienFahey

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

@dreamthievin

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos