Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

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Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk


Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*


ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn’t tethered; that pug’s not leashed.

HOST: Ma’am, that’s a toddler.


Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.


Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I’m googling how to get paid without leaving my house


ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth


No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.


About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.


If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos