Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.