Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
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Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
me working on my assignments ^-^
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
bears
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I’m giving up ice.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.