Wasps: bees, but not helping
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*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Yes, this is exactly right
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now