Wasps: bees, but not helping
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“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
