Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

My mom texting me from an anime convention

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

🤣could you imagine

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.