Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

Good morning.

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

I cannot stop laughing at this

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

Living the best life.. 😊