Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
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Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
.. do you even science?
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.