Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
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There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Based Erika
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
