Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you know, you know 😂🚔

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.