Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

I’m putting together a team

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time