Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*