wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
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Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
sugar glider wrangler
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.