Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
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I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.