Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
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i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
the answer to ‘who hurt you’ is usually ‘my front facing camera’
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
live, laugh, laundry.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress