Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
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I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Bringing home a sharpie
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.