Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
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When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–