Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.