Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
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overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.