Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
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Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
She might be a genius
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Taliband
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.