Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

“We will wed,” I threatened

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

Proctologist = Analyst

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.