Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.