Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
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Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
This was a bad idea all around
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
my professor scared me for a second
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.