Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

can’t catch a break

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

❤️

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.