watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
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I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
my fav colour is also hitler
what’s the point then??
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.