Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…