Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
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Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying