Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
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I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
i’m gonna allow it
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children