Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
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If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.