Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

🤣

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it