Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
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Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.