Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
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Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.