Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
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Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
everyone has that one prude friend
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer