Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
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5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Sure. Why not?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
bears
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”