Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
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Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation