Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

🌱🌱🌱

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.