Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
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cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
canadian assassins are called killergrams
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
stop
Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.