“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
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Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too