“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
You Might Also Like
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD