Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

☠️☠️☠️

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.