Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lmao

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”