Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.