Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

Yoga Matt

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you