“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
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I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.