Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
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5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
My dog ate my work from home.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.