Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
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Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
My time has come.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
hey, alexa
