Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
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5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
