Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
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Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.