Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
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Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Marriage: When dating goes too far.