Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today