Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
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Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Unimpressed