Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
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You should be able to google why a couple broke up
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.