Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
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Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Are these grass-fed oranges?
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo