Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
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They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.