Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
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Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.