Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.