Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

On the surface: cool as a cucumber…

On the inside: squirrel in traffic…

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

selena gomez

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…