I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
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Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.