Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

New skill unlocked

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

The Book. The Movie.

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?