Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
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Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5